The Loneliest Word in My World

I read a lot.

During this season of my life, much (or most) of my writing seems to be online. I am loving the variety of voices, perspectives, and ideas that have come my way.




But if I were to be honest, as I read opinions about faith, current events, or even hospitality there is a word that isolates, stings, and makes me click away from the page.


Often Christians, ESPECIALLY when talking about where the church falls short, seems to rely on the “We do….” or “We don’t …..” or the very most painful “We feel…”

I bristle.

I do and I don’t and I feel so very, very many things. Most things don’t seem to be like the do’s and don’ts or feels of the world. It terrifies me that I will never fit in.

It is incredibly lonely.

I know that the forward progress of my life demands connection; and I suspect the more genuine connection I have with real life people, the fewer stings I will have from online words. But if I am not part of their we, where am I supposed to be?

Does that make sense?

Just this week while gathering at a table with real-live people, much of the difficulty of conversation came bubbling  up. Did you know that women can be hard? That life is messy and opinions are NOT the same?BAC Book

Why is my life so full of sighs? Is it me? Of course it is

This journey I am on, the journey of constantly becoming, the road of change and growth and trying to obey the Lord and be real…is fragmented. There are times of tremendous connection and times of staggering avoidance.

I want to avoid other people.

Other people want to avoid me.

While drinking coffee and soaking in the hot tub, watching the night melt into the morning, my hubby and I chat about these things. As long as he and I stay connected to each other and our family, the rest of the refining becomes an odd joy. In these moments I see the horizon. I know where God is leading me next.

Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.  2 Timothy 2:22

I continue to pray that God will help me to do relationships better; to offend less; to love effectively more often. I want to mature in how I live, which means knowing that life is connected. What I say impacts my relationships; what I do bears upon my results; what I believe dictates how I react.

I will work on pursuing righteousness, faith, love and peace…it WILL NOT JUST HAPPEN. It will require effort and purpose…and, God willing, my own “we” who are doing it shoulder to shoulder.