The New Year has dawned.
A full year with both my parents in heaven. The majority of a year back to work in the restaurant business, the cash from which has softened many hard edges in life. The work has also brought tired muscles and sore feet.
Life is inevitably a series of trade-offs.
The New Year brings both new and familiar sights: More money in the checking and savings accounts than a year prior; a new planner, colored pens, and lists; exhaustion in several areas.
Yet again, I plop down on the couch–the one that has welcomed me (now) over a hundred times–and wonder what the future holds.
What are the options when you have tried your best and failed?
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“I’d encourage you to be careful of the word ‘fail'” my counselor says.
He’s gentle. He wants self-awareness, not self-flagellation.
“I’m not on the outside looking in longingly,” I explain. “I genuinely do not want what’s in there.”
He gets it.
And the whirlpool swirls around as I try to figure out: What do I want?
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A life-long bestie sends me a video. It is very short and succinctly sums up what hours on the couch have helped me wrestle with. The woman in the video explains her three rules about people:
- If they wanted to, and they could, they would.
- You cannot make anyone else change.
- STOP being mad at people for not being who you want them to be.
And I know it is exactly what I need to hear.
And I also know it doesn’t automatically erase the pain that they don’t want to.
I know because it still hurts.
I order the video woman’s book to add to my pile.
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I show the counselor the video. He agrees with all the points and I wonder if I will find the courage to use this tool to move forward.
I long for a life with more color and beauty. I want emotional health and resilience for the people I love.
I miss Brighten A Corner and purpose.
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Relationships are hard. They are often unstable and fractured.
Some fractures require bandages and time to heal; others are infected and need to be removed.
I feverishly pound the keyboard adding pleas to my prayer journal. I want to know the right things to do. I want healing for me–for them–for us.
Which takes me back to the equally painful and enlightening truths that if they wanted to and they could, they would. And, no matter how desperate I may be or how good my intentions are, I cannot change anyone.