Part of me is afraid to sit down at the keyboard and begin typing.
Afraid of oversharing.
Afraid of too much emotion.
Parenting a teenager in today’s world stirs vulnerability that is new and raw. I hate it.
Being a daughter to aging parents thrusted me into situations I never, ever wanted to be in.
Several times over this last year I sat down at a table (or in a room) thinking my life was one way, and stood up from the same table with everything changed.
These moments have defined my marriage, determined where I would live, involved a terminal diagnosis and altered relationships. I have stood up without saying a word, silent in a new resolution; I have declared “I won’t fight about this,” and walked away; I have repeated over and over “we will be okay”, not really believing the words as I spoke them.
I am constantly reminding myself of this truth: God sees the whole story while I am living in this minute. My perspective is not His, and I have to choose whether to trust Him or trust me. I am remarkably untrustworthy.
I sit down attempting to soak in His word and stand up desperate to believe Him.
- Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
- “I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans for welfare and not calamity to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
- And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation builds perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope. Romans 5:3-4
Hope.
More and more I am convinced that the actual miracle I need is not necessarily the thing I am praying for, but the courage to believe in God’s goodness no matter what happens.
That is where the hope will come.
One foot in front of the other, I will go through my day remembering to do the things I know bring wisdom. I will pray. I will read my Bible. I will look for the good and praise it.
I will sit down and seek Him and stand up choosing to believe Him.
I will do the same thing again tomorrow.
In that, I will find the hope I desperately seek.