I am still just figuring it out.
That phrase has been repeated over and over, by me, this last year.
Life doesn’t always go the way I want it to.
Things got messy. Literally. Figuratively.
God is doing enormous work on my character, and His work has brought me to a season of hope. I am dwelling on Romans 5:3-4, “Because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character hope.”
Not that long ago for me a precious place of ministry had fallen apart, my father in law was in and out of the hospital, chaos was mounting and my mood with my family strained beyond compassionate responses. I was weary, but through God’s grace I never doubted His love.
During that season, perhaps for the first time in my life, my mind was not filled with thoughts of , “What is happening?” Rather, I was focused on, “What does God want me to do?” I, without any thoughts of Romans 5:3-4 specifically, was working on my character.
Character precedes the hope.
I read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I read everything available from Shauna Neiquist. I started a Bible Study with friends. I reached out to new friends and studied the Bible with them too. I stopped barking at my hubby.
On an oversized chalkboard on the great room wall I wrote:
- Get rid of everything you don’t want
- Fix or get rid of everything that is broken
- Find a clean place for everything
- Choose healthy more often
My hubby joined in.
We are still, very much, in that process but that process is leading to progress and progress feels good.
I want to live my life from the inside out. I am desperate to be who God wants me to be, not to perform like the world would choose. And I want to enjoy the process more; to find beauty in the broken; to be more steady, less volatile. I want to let God change me, and to be bravely, acutely aware of the changes in me no matter how nuanced they may be.